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| Rep. Gilmore's pet human. Source: Full Metal Jacket |
State Representative Brindle Gilmore (Chihuahua - Nutsville) recently introduced a measure that seeks to legally define "dangerous" and "vicious" humans, with the latter's owners being forced to carry a $25,000 liability insurance policy as well as have a secured 8"x10" holding cell on premises. The measure's original wording, however, caused some consternation among lawmakers who owned humans, as it labeled any human "which because of its physical nature and vicious propensity is capable of causing serious bodily injury, as defined in this section, or death to humans or other animals and would constitute a danger to human life or property" as "dangerous" automatically.
"I mean, that's pretty much all humans over 45 pounds, isn't it?" woofed Rep. Bluetick Dunn (Hound Dog - Knox Vegas). "We might be barking up the wrong tree with that approach."
In response, Gilmore signaled that she was going to further clarify the measure by amending it to automatically designate "concealed carry types" like petty thugs, drug dealers and concealed carry permit holders.
"It's a no-brainer," Gilmore panted happily, pausing to chase after a few ankles unrestrained. "We all know humans with guns are vicious killers anyway, permit or no permit. They self-identify with the guns and all, so they're very easy to tell apart from other, nicer humans."
When asked if Gilmore suggested the upcoming amendment because her own humans would be potentially affected otherwise, the state representative started foaming at the mouth and bit off the reporter's face.
Not all voters, however, agreed with the representative's approach or penchant for mauling reporters.
"It's just silly," growled American Pit Bull Terrier Aidi Dunn (no relation to Bluetick), founder of the East Insanitee Gun-Wielder Rescue Group. "It used to be that American dogs had respect for the American Gun-Wielding Human. They were even our mascots during World Wars I and II. But ever since a few bad human owners let their humans go feral over the years, never teaching them how to control that immense power, energy and sometimes caliber rating they have, the media and politicians have just wanted to bag on the AGWH."
Between contented gnawing sessions with this reporter's face, Gilmore responded that not ALL sentiment was directed against her.
"Well, sure, you expect those nutters at EIGWR to be against this measure," Gilmore snarled. "They sleep on piles of money and naked bitches (WRITER'S NOTE: It's not a swear word in this context, folks! -bp) doing what they do. Everybody knows running a human rescue group makes bank!"
Gilmore then chased after this reporter's ankles as he ran off to find those two people Gilmore claimed supported her.
Cuckoo IsANutJob Lynn, founder of the website HumansShoot.org and a longtime opponent of "concealed carry types", lauded the move even though she lived thousands of miles away and would not be affected by the legislation in question.
"ALL HUMANS ARE BAD!" Lynn shrieked. "KILL ALL HUMANS! MY BLOODLUST WILL NOT BE SATED UNTIL THEIR BLOODLUST IS PUT AT AN END AND THEN I'LL FIND SOMETHING ELSE TO HATE! SQUAWK!"
The other supporter, a rather large rodent-like creature who refused to give his or her name name (but was sitting at a desk that had a name plate reading "My name is totally not Lobbyist T. Weasel") could at least claim living in the state of Insanitee while voicing support. (NOTE: This claim could not be independently verified.)
"Of course I support this well-crafted piece of legislation!" Weasel snickered out of the corner of his or her mouth. "It's not at all a hackneyed, contrived bit of feel-good fluff designed to play well in the sticks and keep my insurance and ambulance-chasing endeavors afloat! And I totally didn't grease the sponsors with a buttload of Milk-Bones! That would be unethical!"
The measure is scheduled for discussion at the Capitol Doghouse on March 20.
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