Local Islamists take down Sex Week at state university

(Editor's Note: After our reporter had recovered from face surgery, we sent him to find out what the big deal was concerning Sex Week. He and a local T-shirt magnate were recently found dead near the location of a suspected Islamist training compound with this incomplete story on the reporter's computer. We decided to run with it instead of the story of his gruesome, mysterious demise.

Why?

Duh. Sex sells. -Ed.)

Local Islamists drill at an undisclosed location
somewhere near Murfreesboro. Credit: Don't know and don't care

KNOX VEGAS (WT) - It appears the University of Insanitee at Knox Vegas will be abstaining from Sex Week after all, thanks to the intervention of the state's growing Islamist faction.

Led by burka-clad recent convert Casey Stampfield (Carpetbagger - Knox Vegas By Way Of New Yawk), the New Islamists of Insanitee were able to pressure the state's governor, Church Lady (Monkey In The Middle - Rock and a Hard Place) to defund the bulk of a weeklong awareness event that focused on educating some of the state's newest adults on the topic of sexual intercourse by kidnapping him.

"I didn't really have a choice in the matter," Church Lady grumbled after his release was negotiated. "It was either sign off on the cash grab or get blown to bits."

The move was lauded in Stampfield's training camp.

"My fellow jihadists, we have met the infidel pigdogs on the field of immoral sexual battle and won!" Stampfield screamed to a somewhat small crowd of followers that sounded a lot larger than it was. "How dare these sniveling little students think they can learn anything about sex! Especially news anchors that don't wear their pants! Or sex in schools! Schools... full of supple children.... and sex... in schools... I'msorryIgottaGO!"

Stampfield then excused himself to a restroom, apparently needing to adjust something under his burka.

"...oh, man. That felt soooooooooo good," Stampfield said from the bathroom during the interview. "Sorry, but, um, could we just do the interview portion later? I'm kinda tied up in here. Thinking about sex in schools... erhmagerderhmargerderhmaGERRRRRRRRRRRRD!"

No one else in the jihadist camp would answer any questions on or off record, citing their religious belief that Allah has forbidden them to talk to anyone who practiced common sense. When asked to cite where, specifically, in their religion that such conduct is forbidden, this reporter was dragged into the street and beaten with filets of sole - beatings which only intensified when the reporter pointed out that, yes, they got the beating part wrong too.

Campus students weren't impressed with the move by the state, but seemed to take it in stride.

"They know we're college students, right?" mused communications major Jane Everychick. "I mean, this isn't exactly a new topic to us, since we were able to learn something about sex in grade school before they tried to shut that down too. I don't get it - do they think that by not talking about sexual intercourse at all, we're not gonna have it or something?"

"Yeah, losing $11k sucks the meat, but they couldn't cut ALL of the funding," noted magna cum laude candidate E. Normous Johnson Jr. "We've still got $6700, and I'll just ask my dad to chip in the rest! Because, y'know, we're here to learn and stuff? Or buttchug. I forgot."

The student's parent, 90s T-shirt magnate E. Normous Johnson Sr., signaled that he was considering doing just that. (The financing, not the buttchugging.)

"This is about more than a burka-clad ginger carpetbagger being totally unable to hear the word "sex" without engaging in self-exploration in public," said the retired textiles tycoon. "For me, it's about wit. How on earth would anyone have ever understood those T-shirts if it weren't for sexual education classes?"

Hauling out an old design of his as an example, Johnson Sr. pointed out the wordplay on a shirt purporting to advertise "Big Johnson Racing".

"See this?" Johnson Sr. asked. "Kids are just going to think this is some ad for a dumb NASCAR team unless they get the context! By refusing to educate our kids, they turn out just as stupid, brainwashed and fanatic as that bunch of Islamists up near Nutsville. Almost like they're trying... to make people more suitable for recruiting by dumbing them do