NUTSVILLE (WT) - The internet announced today that it was laying siege to a newly-elected Knox Vegas representative for "making way too much sense on his first go-round".
The Representative Formerly Known As Citizen Kane (Symbol Pending - Knox Vegas) shocked and outraged every one of the 25 people on the internet who were available to be outraged by the common-sense move in question - successful passage of legislation that allowed home-schooled kids to play public school sports.
Fortunately for the 25, they were able to make it sound like many more.
"We'd have loved to have had more actual outrage," said one user, who would only be identified as "FuzzyBunnySlippers", "but everybody else seemed to have their attentions occupied elsewhere. So we just made like eleventy million user accounts. It's not like anyone cares. We're not breaking the law. He is!"
When reached for comment at an undisclosed bunker in Nutsville, Kane clarified that it wasn't so much a law that was at issue as it is an unwritten rule.
"Apparently, people in this neck of the woods expect their employees to do things like vandalize property, or park on the sidewalk in front of the Legislature," Kane said in between mortar explosions. "I sincerely apologize to anyone who elected me thinking I was going to do that stuff. I probably should have been clearer that, no, I'm just here to work."
The internet's outrage even caused the measure's Senate sponsor, Casey Stampfield (Christian Luchador - Knox Vegas by way of New Yawk) to distance himself from the toxic logic it oozed.
"I didn't sponsor that!" a terrified Stampfield shrieked while ordering lunch from his favorite restaurant. Diving into a large satchel, he hurriedly donned a brightly-colored face mask, a burka, and produced a plastic baby doll. "Look! See! Totally crazy here! Got the mask, got my burka, and look! I'm eating a baby! PLEASE DON'T TELL MY VOTERS I'M ACTUALLY SANE! I DON'T WANT TO GET A REAL JOB! BEING A LANDLORD SUCKS! SUCKS, I TELL YOU!!!"
The Senator then began gnawing on the doll's foot. "Mmmm... baby... don't say gay, sex in schools, nomnomnomnomnom. Think crazy thoughts."
At that point, this reporter slowly backed away and ended the interview. Turns out it didn't matter anyway; the same 25 that were outraged already started jawing off about Hitler and gun control halfway before either one of us finished this sentence.
Coming up next in sports: Homeschooled kids get to join in on reindeer games, nothing bad happens.
...oh, wait. That won't sell.
We'll make something up. -Ed
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