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| God's son/second form reacts to yet another inane question from a faith-based journalist. Source: This time, we'll say YOU gave it to me |
"This is just so Medamned stupid," the Christian God said with exasperation. "First off, two dudes that age should know better double entendres by that point - and probably WOULD if you all would stop focusing so much on plastering Me all over your schools to somehow ward off violence - and as far as the chick goes? I mean, I could understand if she was upset about the fact that the comedy attempt was just so Medamned awful, but to turn it into a gender on gender thing?"
The Christian God took off His glasses (a rather striking pair of Louis Vuittons), rubbed His forehead and continued.
"Look, let Me just go over this particular aspect one last time. The reason geek chicks and geek dudes don't get along is because of the other chicks and dudes lusting after empty-headed celebrities. Guys. You think chicks like being compared to Angelina Jolie? Or even Lara Croft? Now they think they gotta strut around in combat booty shorts just to get some nerd cred with you "Numa Numa" lovin' freaks! Way to go, morons!"
"And chicks are just as bad!" the Divine Creator thundered at a group of feminists who cheered His last comment, causing them to fall silent. "Look, I thought this was a pretty simple choice here. Between Brad Pitt and Bill Gates, you take the one who's obviously smarter! Brad Pitt 'earns' a living only because he grafts plastic onto himself and is essentially an award-winning BS artist! THOSE ARE NOT DESIRABLE TRAITS!"
After composing Himself, God stated that the only option He might have left is by enacting the Revelation Protocol.
"I'd rather not," God told a suddenly-deathly quiet crowd. "Honestly, it was kind of a pain in the butt to get things back the way they were after My Earth! savegame file got corrupted, but if you people are going to keep going after one another's throats over grade-school nonsense and your own inabilities to handle romantic encounters, then I'm tempted to let the Four Horsemen do their thing, give the world back to the gays and just make new people out of ribs when necessary."
A stunned crowd watched silently as the visibly upset deity continued. "I don't want to. I want the geeks to inherit the Earth. (NOTE: Whoops. Looks like someone missed something during Biblical editing? -Ed.) I want you guys to bomb around My creation figuratively. Not literally, and certainly not lobbing those bombs at each other - even if they're just verbal. Hell, that's why I created socially awkward, psychologically disturbed satirists. To do that FOR you, and remind you why it's such a Medamned stupid thing to do to each other for really reals."
The exhausted deity sighed. "I don't know why I even bother, really. Between persecuting My favorite people, insisting Satan's Jersey Shart nonsense gets renewed season after season, the constant warfare and hunger and election seasons... You know what? Screw it."
The Lord then produced a worn-looking tablet computer, swiped His finger a few times across the screen, smiled, and selected an unknown option with gusto.
"The smart ones will stock up on food, water, and bug spray in a nice, quiet underground bunker for the next seven years," the deity chuckled. "The rest of ya? Good riddance."
"Except for Eric Matthes," God quickly added. "I like that guy. His writeup of PyCon '13 was one of the better ones... and it's clear that My editorial staff could use some overhauling. I mean, I've just recently read the Bible. I didn't say half of that crap. At least."
With that, the Lord Almighty retired to His fortress of solitude as the locusts began to swarm.
Want to know what Armageddon II holds in store for the weather? Stay tuned next week as meteorologist Hodd Towell (no relation to Towelie) answers your weather-related questions about the apocalypse!
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