Marriage asks Supremes Court to drop protection order, says "didn't even ask for it"

The Simpsons' Homer offers sound advice. Source: Uh, Family Guy.

WTFINGTON (WT) - The concept of marriage made its long-awaited appearance before Chief Justice Diana Ross and the Supremes Court (Wow. I am so OLD. -Ed) to ask that it finally have the order of protection "safeguarding" it dropped.

Nutsville mulls taking voting rights away from "plebes, commoners and general riff-raff"

RWGC alumni celebrate their exhibition of superior
knowledge. Source: Salon (they look like they'd sue)

NUTSVILLE (WT) - Members of the Insanitee Senate's Rich White Guy Caucus today told a gathering of serfs, sharecroppers and other Insanitee voters they were in the process of "relieving them of the arduous burden of having to select a United States Senator".

Internet besieges elected official after unexpected common-sense move

NUTSVILLE (WT) - The internet announced today that it was laying siege to a newly-elected Knox Vegas representative for "making way too much sense on his first go-round".

God blames both genders for PyCon '13, contemplates Armageddon II as a result

God's son/second form reacts to yet another inane question
from a faith-based journalist. Source: This time, we'll say
YOU gave it to me

HEAVEN (WT) - A disgusted Christian deity called a press conference today to not only decry the childish handling of a really overplayed "penis" joke (NOTE: Scientific term! Still family-friendly here! -Ed.) at PyCon '13 by general society, but also to remind said society that He still hasn't cleansed the world with fire and can do so whenever He likes.

Local Islamists take down Sex Week at state university

(Editor's Note: After our reporter had recovered from face surgery, we sent him to find out what the big deal was concerning Sex Week. He and a local T-shirt magnate were recently found dead near the location of a suspected Islamist training compound with this incomplete story on the reporter's computer. We decided to run with it instead of the story of his gruesome, mysterious demise.

Why?

Duh. Sex sells. -Ed.)

Local Islamists drill at an undisclosed location
somewhere near Murfreesboro. Credit: Don't know and don't care

KNOX VEGAS (WT) - It appears the University of Insanitee at Knox Vegas will be abstaining from Sex Week after all, thanks to the intervention of the state's growing Islamist faction.

Nutsville lawmakers mulling increased restrictions on pets with concealed carry permits

Rep. Gilmore's pet human. Source: Full Metal Jacket

Nutsville (WT): The fur was flying at the state Capitol today as Insanitee lawmakers mulled over whether to place greater restrictions on pets considered "likely to own handguns".